Let me die, please

Every psychologist assures that depression is a state from where you can get out.
'It just takes courage and will to live'
But depression is just not willing to live.
You don't find a purpose.
That purpose is adopted by your brain by genetics, culture, nurture...
Those who have a purpose and love in life are the lucky ones.
Everyone says that being the fastest in our first race is a miracle.
But is it?
What happens when there's nothing you'd sacrifice for?

I've been depressive. Yes. It was harder than the suicidal depression.
I found myself trapped by nothingness. Everyone and everything were just shadows.
A theatre play.
Life took a horrendous shape. The crudest form of understanding life.
To me, everyone who was weak, seemed stupid.
Those who were strong, were also stupid.
Those that enjoyed videogames or walking, were wasting their time.
Those that didn't enjoy anything, I felt pity for them.

Sorrow. Pain. Stupidity.
Nothingness.

Nothingness but I was not numb. I felt everything.
Emotions running through my veins.
I didn't want to live.

The worst part was thinking about death, which honestly was the thing that I feared the most.
So even death was not a solution or an escape.

What was left for me to do?

I was afraid of looking at the sky and being around people. I was trapped in my sofa, where I slept for 1 month.

With time, and great effort, I overcame depression (if it can ever be defeated).
And slowly integrated myself into life.
I started taking showers, then going for brief walks, then going to the supermarket...

And got stronger by the next month.

Life seemed thrilling again, as I've always felt about it.
People say I'm sparks, that my group of friends don't feel the same without me.
They say they miss me a lot, which I'm kind of proud of, I guess.

I started taking again classes, like boxing, running, theatre... also found a job.

But then, out of nowhere, Love hit me.

I was in a fleeting love situation. I felt invincible and wholesome.

But Love grabbed a fucking grenade and shoved it into my guts.
My body exploded, along with my heart.
That miserable clown ripped and burned my heart inside out.

I swore I would never fall in love again.
But just like with alcohol, you find yourself in the mood, and 'the situation makes the crook', as my father says.

I met this intelligent, beautiful, sweet, introvert girl I had met many years before.
So, we had a great time. We hanged out, and talked and laughed.
One day, with hugs she declared her love to me, and with a kiss I accepted, leading to flesh passion.
But something told me that I was more into her than otherwise.
Just like the past love situation.
I can see she has no further interest in me.
Little details, cues... said words and those that weren't.

How could I? I'm terrible at heartbreakes. I knew she had to leave for her studies, anyway.
HOW COULD I DARE TO BE INTO SOMEONE?

I would say I'm not religious, but since yesterday, I'm praying to God to take me as soon as possible.
No luggage. No arrangements.
Just without notice.

If love is this painful and Love keeps playing around with people,
then God, let me die right now.

Don't let my parents and family feel bad for too long.
Let my friends know that, although I couldn't face Life and Love plays, I loved being around them.

I never thought I would say it, in a million years,
but then again, God, or Life, let me die right now, please.